The NHL is sort of like my baby

Sports Baby has started teething and it is not at all what I expected.

At some point in my life I got the idea that teething is a horrible process that causes unspeakable suffering for babies and heartbreaking aggravation for parents.

I envisioned unwitting babies pushed to the end of their tiny little ropes by crippling pain brought on by their toothy terrors bursting from their subterranean hiding holes by tearing through baby's poor, defenseless gums like a vicious mutant worm blasting through a foot-wide brick wall. And oh the blood.

Then I learned that teething takes more than six months, sometimes close to a year, and I wondered how babies handled it all without crawling to the nearest bridge and scooching off the edge just to end the suffering.

Finally it came time for my little guy to start the dreaded process. One day his first little tooth bubbled just below the surface of his gums ready to wreak its havoc. The next day came and phew, no havoc, just a cute little tooth peeking out of Sports Baby's adorable smiling mouth. The day after that a second one popped up.

What? No blood? No fever? No baby sneaking into the liquor cabinet to douse the fires with a dram of whiskey?

Apparently I've been misled about teething. "Cutting teeth" is in fact a misnomer. Baby teeth do not, in fact, cut through the flesh, but rather a chemical released by the body causes the gums to open, allowing the teeth to glide on through.

Relieved that Sports Baby won't be suffering horrible pain, I've downgraded his suicide watch from a Charlie Sheen to a Will Smith.

Teething can have some uncomfortable symptoms but so far Sports Baby is taking it all like a champ.

The NHL is teething too but it appears that its brains have been so battered by rogue stanchions, flying elbows and blind assassins that it has lost the ability to release that chemical to soften the sting of the process. No, it's a bloody mess out there.

Just two months ago I wrote another blog post praising the NHL for gaining attention with some clever ideas. But since then a Sidney Crosby concussion (the "blind assassins" link above will take you to a video of the play), a Zdeno Chara near decapitation (see "rogue stanchions" above) and a dirty hit from Matt Cooke (see "flying elbows") have been the biggest stories coming out of the NHL.

The league, however, may finally be putting some teeth into its disciplinary rules to punish players for hits to the head.

Cooke was suspended for the rest of the regular season and, somewhat surprisingly, for the first round of the playoffs for his recent elbow to the head of New York's Ryan McDonagh. This after Cooke skated away without any penalty or suspension for this eerily similar hit on Marc Savard last season. Savard suffered a concussion and now his future in the game is in doubt after receiving another concussion two months ago.

That the NHL gave Cooke a lengthy suspension, including playoff games, this time around is a sign that the league may finally be taking these hits seriously. Cooke, however, was an easy target. The hit was a blatant blindside brain bash and Cooke is a repeat offender who has been suspended by the league before.

But as many hockey commentators are pointing out, the test will come when a star player does something like this. Would Alex Ovechkin, himself a repeat offender, get a lengthy suspension for an elbow to the head delivered in the playoffs? This handy and hilarious NHL suspension flow chart from the Down Goes Brown blog predicts that he wouldn't.

Regardless, tougher suspension guidelines are apparently on the way for next season and maybe the Cooke suspension will send the message that the league is not fooling around anymore. Then again, maybe it won't.

Wasn't the 25-game suspension to Chris Simon for this March 2007 slash to the face of Ryan Hollweg supposed to send a message that the league was serious?

Wasn't the 20-game suspension to Todd Bertuzzi for breaking Steve Moore's neck in 2004 supposed to send a message?

Wasn't the 21-game suspension to Dale Hunter in 1993 for nailing Pierre Turgeon after Turgeon scored a goal supposed to send a message?

Wasn't the 16-game suspension to Eddie Shore for almost killing Ace Bailey with a stick to the head in 1933 supposed to send a message?

Wasn't the 11-game suspension to Killer McSlashface in aught-six for inventing the Zamboni and then using it to run over an opponent supposed to send a message?

I guess teething is not always painless.

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Zdeno Chára is, like, Superman

Here's a special guest post from Sports Baby's Uncle Stewart. I've forgiven him for not including enough baby stuff in here. I've also forgiven him for putting that douchey accent in Zdeno Chara's name. Anyway, turns out Uncle Stew knows his way around a typewriter. Good stuff. -Sports A

Greetings all – Uncle Stew here. My brother Andy was kind enough to invite me to contribute to his blog. I have extensive qualifications for the job, having spent the vast majority of my life talking (or in the case of the Battle of Alberta, arguing) about sports with Andy. His only stipulations were that my contributions had to be interesting, had to be about sports, and had to have the word “like” in the title. (I’m pretty sure that’s what he said.)  I can proudly say I’ve met at least two of those conditions.

I don’t know about you, but I thought the NHL All-Star production brought up an important question, namely, what is it with hockey and comics? People have repeatedly tried – and sometimes failed – to combine the world of hockey and cartoons. It all began with Peter Puck. Then there was Wayne Gretzky and the Pro-Stars. Around the same time we also had the adorable Mouse Hockey League.

More recently, we were treated to that odd cartoon about robots and humans playing hockey that showed up on CBC NHIC broadcasts a few years ago, only to vanish without a trace.

This last weekend opened a new chapter in the hockey-as-comics saga. Stan Lee showed up during the All-Star game intermission, and proceeded to explain to us that the NHL is protected by Guardians – who happen to share names with the 30 league franchise – along with their leader, “Mike Mason.” Also, we learned that the league is menaced by an evil figure called Deven Dark.

My first thought of course was, why do this? It’s such an odd project. What does hockey have to do with comic characters?

Then it hit me: the key link is Zdeno Chára. Chára is, in fact, Superman. (Or possibly, “The Superman.” The Batman movie franchise has completely muddled my understanding of when to use the definite article when referencing superheroes.)

Consider these facts about Chára:

1.    He is the biggest and strongest player in the league.

2.    He comes from a far-off place that no longer exists. (Go try to find Czechoslovakia on a map.)

3.    His name includes an unpronounceable combination of consonants.

4.    He is following in the footsteps of a stern but devoted father, whose name (Zdenek) is equally unpronounceable, and to whom Zdeno credits much of his drive to succeed.

5.    He a clearly a super-genius, as he speaks seven different languages.

Spooky, right? But wait, there’s more. The definitive piece of evidence came this weekend in Raleigh. After Chára emerged victorious in the hardest shot competition for what seems like the 12^th year in a row, Jim Hughson remarked how it’s “hard for the rest of us mortals to even bend (Chára’s stick).” Chára then did an interview with Elliotte Friedman in which he talked about how careful he has to be not to hurt his teammates by accident, how he rarely shoots as hard as he can. “I have to be careful,” he said. “I don’t want to hurt anybody.”

Chára went on to add, “I feel like I live in a world made of . . . cardboard, always taking constant care not to break something, to break someone. Never allowing myself to lose control even for a moment, or someone could die.”

OK, he didn’t say that last part. Superman did. But that’s just my point – Chára might as well have. Nothing in sports gets as much protection as a hockey goalie. (Well, nothing except maybe Lance Armstrong’s blood test results.)  Goalies wear an incredible amount of protective gear, and yet Chára’s worried that he could seriously injure one of them with a careless shot? He’s The Superman, I tell you! Friedman should have asked him a follow-up question about how his game changes when playing under the red sun of Krypton. To think the Senators traded him and kept Wade Redden.

Incidentally, it turns out that the world-of-cardboard speech is a pretty common cultural phenomenon. It’s a trope, which is in fact how I learned about it, from a website literally called tvtropes.org. If you’ve never explored it, I encourage you to poke around a bit. Be warned, however: you might want to clear your schedule before clicking on that link. This is almost exactly what happened to me the first time I came across it.

In its general form, the trope refers to anyone dealing with a barrier that keeps them from putting forth his or her full power; often, the speech is delivered just before the barrier is overcome. There are many variations delivered by a whole host of characters, from Jules Winnfield to Samwise Gamgee. 

However, Chára is the first athlete I’ve ever heard using it, and using it in exactly the same way Superman did. Try to imagine a baseball pitcher talking about not wanting to throw the ball too hard for fear of hurting the catcher, or a soccer player not wanting to kick the ball too hard for fear of injuring the keeper. It’s a bizarre thought. James Harrison threatened to quit the NFL this year just because the league asked him to stop actively trying to maim opposing receivers.

So I think it’s safe to conclude that Chára is the real force keeping the league safe from that evil mastermind Deven. (By the way, does anyone else think that Deven is an odd name for an evil mastermind? It’s a bit like “Tim the Enchanter.”) Clearly, this Mike Mason, leader of the Guardians of the NHL, is none other than Zdeno Chára, aka Superman, incognito. And I, for one, will sleep soundly knowing that The Zdeno watches over us all.

-Uncle Stew

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