The Philadelphia Eagles are like my baby

During the Christmas break my wife and I drove with our four-month-old son from Vancouver to several points across the prairies, subjecting him to long days strapped in the car seat, constantly changing routines and the possibility of sliding off a mountain cliff and plummeting to an early death alongside his dumbass parents in the name of family visiting.

I came away from the trip thinking three things:

1.     I’m not going to subject my child to 3,500 kilometres of icy-death highway again for at least 10 months.

2.     Valemount, B.C., is the redneck snowmobiler capital of the world. It’s like a NASCAR infield on ice. Redneck is not quite right though – can we call them whitenecks? Whatever they’re called, never miss a chance to share a continental breakfast with them at the Valemount Super 8 to hear the authentic chainsaw rasp of voices carved by years of cigarettes, exhaust fumes and shouts of ‘Git ‘er done!’

3.     The Philadelphia Eagles are like my baby.

For most of our holiday my baby was a champion traveler. Often he’d nod off to sleep soon after departure (cars really are God’s gift to parents—they’re like a triple shot of Nyquil). When he wasn’t sleeping he would giggle and play with Mama in the back or just watch out the back window as the mountain scenery rolled by.

The problems only came at the very end of long trips. As our trips rolled past six or seven hours and our final destinations neared, our baby eventually would lose it. It happened around the town of Brooks on one long trip from Revelstoke to Medicine Hat and around Chilliwack on another long haul from Valemount to Vancouver. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that Brooks and Chilliwack both smell like the inside of a cow.

The Philadelphia Eagles lost to the Green Bay Packers 21-16 in a first round playoff game Sunday, ending a season in which they were one of the most explosive teams in the NFL and seemed to be a good bet to reach the Super Bowl. Despite their impressive regular season showing, the loss wasn’t a surprise to Eagles fans. Like the Phoenix Suns, the Buffalo Bills of the 1990s, the San Jose Sharks of the past decade or this bridge, the Eagles are doomed to collapse when the going gets really tough.

My advice to these teams, gleaned from my own experiences on the road to glory with temperamental would-be-champions about to crack, is to calm the situation down with a couple of nice boobs to latch on to.

Hey, it worked for Spain.